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Pumpkin Cottage Ministry Resources
Lectionary Bible Studies and Sermons
www.lectionarystudies.com
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Saying Goodbye
It's not easy saying farewell to someone we love. We usually feel dulled by the whole experience. Sometimes it takes a few days for us to face what's happened and for us to get into the grieving process. The feelings are actually quite strange. We start out denying death, then we get angry and start blaming, then there is grief and finally, after many months, acceptance.
We have to deal with all the things we should have said and didn't, all the things we said and shouldn't have. If we didn't get to say goodbye we can be quite broken hearted, even angry with the person who has left us. "Such is life!"
We are also faced with our own mortality and so fear is added to the feelings. When we were young we had all the answers, now there is mystery. Life's shadows leave us disturbed. Each of us must draw from our own spiritual source as we face the darkness. When my son was dying of a brain tumor, I reminded him one day of the Bible story where Jesus was on the cross and the thief next to him asked "remember me." Jesus said to him, "this evening you will be with me in paradise." I said to my son, "if Jesus is willing to remember a thief, he will certainly remember you if you ask him."
The funeral service is a very important part of the grieving process. Making it a thanksgiving, an affirmation of the person's life, a celebration even, is the way to go - dignified yes, but not morbid. We try to affirm all that is good in the person we loved, and so in this final moment, allow them to leave us as we say goodbye and move on.
Notes
Organization
When a relative dies and we must handle the arrangements, we can very easily feel helpless. Yet, the organization of a funeral is actually quite simple. By contacting a funeral home, an arranger will take the matter completely in hand. All the elements from legal documents, funeral notices, casket, service and burial or cremation will be smoothly organized. We have usually attended a funeral recently or know someone who has and so, through experience or recommendation it is easy to find a reputable funeral company. Always check whether the deceased was in a funeral fund before arranging the service. Remember, much of the cost of a funeral is in the extras. For example, the cost of a casket can vary enormously.
The Minister
Where the family has no direct contact with a local church, it is best to allow the funeral home to book the minister. Most people like some religious content in the service, but they don't like it to be preachy or parsonic. The vast majority of people believe in God, but they are not overtly religious and so a service that recognizes the presence of the Lord, that is dignified and reflective and affirms the life of the deceased, is the shape to aim at. The funeral director knows the local ministers and priests and can recommend the right person for the service.
Music
A favorite piece of music can be played at the "Reflection", just before the committal, either religious, such as "Amazing Grace", "Nearer my God to thee", etc. or popular. eg. "The Last Farewell", "Unforgettable", "It's a beautiful world", "A time to say good-by", "Yesterday", "Wind beneath my wings", "Imagine", "To where you are" and "You raise me up", Josh Groban, "Goodbye" Lionel Ritchie... For a Vietnam vet.: "I was only 19", Red Gum; "Brother in arms", Dire Straits. For a young person: "Fall", Single Gun Theory, "Teardrop", Massive Attack, "Into My Arms", Nick Cave, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For", U2, "Wish You Were Here", Pink Floyd..... An instrumental is not very effective. Most Funeral Homes have a large library of suitable music. If a tape is used, make sure it is properly queued to the beginning of the song. Music for before and after the service can also be selected by the family. The person in charge of the CD's should make sure they are in the box and are not left in the CD player at home. Stick a note on each box indicating the track to be played and where in the service it will be played, eg. "In, track 8."
Eulogy
The following is a sample outline of a eulogy:
History:
Born: where, when, to whom, family
Grew up: how and where.
Schooling
Early work years: profession, where
Marriage: when, where, to whom, children, grandchildren.....
Married years: where, significant events
Retirement
Interests: sports, craft......
Achievements
Personal qualities
Special care needs to be taken where the deceased is a child. Where the family is blended, all members should be mentioned even where there may be tensions. Time the eulogy from between 5 to 7 minutes. Personal tributes following the eulogy should be limited to a few sentences. It is often a good idea to have younger members of the family write a few sentences about the deceased and for the person delivering the eulogy to read them. Emotional comments are best left to the end of the eulogy.
Most funeral home chapels these days are set up for a digital PowerPoint presentation. For those who are computer-smart it is easy to gather a selection of family snapshots, scan them, arrange a sideshow and burn to a CD. This presentation can then be used to illustrate the eulogy, or be incorporated as a separate element of the service with music and commentary. Check compatibility..... To be sure of compatibility, produce a DVD slide show.
Placing of Symbols
When the body is placed in the church or chapel and received, "we receive the body of our dear sister/brother ...........", symbols may be placed on or beside the coffin:
i] A candle can add meaning to a service. This should be lit at the beginning of the service by a family member and snuffed out at the end of the service. The candle is kept by the family. A stubby candle to sit on the coffin itself works well, but in a church it is best to use a candle stand.
ii] Water. Sprinkled on the coffin by the minister.
iii] The Bible. Placed near the coffin.
iv] A Cross. Placed on the coffin.
v] Memorabilia - a photo, implements of trade, regalia, personal items...... Placed on or near the coffin by family members.
vi] The national flag. For members, or former members of the armed services.
vii] Small individual flowers - These are often placed, as a personal tribute to the deceased person, on the coffin just before the committal, or in the case of a burial, just after the coffin is lowered into the grave. A handwritten note may be attached to the flower. At a chapel or crematorium, a carefully selected track of music is often played while the congregation moves forward to place their flower. This item in the service is known as "The Reflection."
Symbols of the soul's release
The release of gas-filled balloons at the conclusion of a burial service is a symbol often used for the death of a young person where young people will attend the service. In the case of an older person, the release of a dove (homing pigeon) at the end of the service can be a very special symbol. Most funeral homes can provide this service.
Personal items placed in the coffin
Items that are to go with the deceased must be placed in the coffin before it is sealed. This can only be done by the undertakers at the funeral home, unless there is a viewing, in which case family members may place items into the coffin at the time of the viewing. There are certain requirements regarding cremations so check with the undertakers before placing non combustibles in the coffin. Usually only combustibles can placed in the coffin with a cremation.
The Committal
At the crematorium or funeral chapel, it is best to lower the coffin or close the curtains in the presence of the congregation to reinforce "closure" and so free those in grief to move on. Allow the deceased person to do the leaving, rather than leave the deceased alone in the chapel. Yes, this is the hardest part of the service, but it is very important to get it right. A person who leaves the chapel without closure can find themselves quite distressed for years to come.
Photographs / Video
Do not be afraid to photograph the arrival of the hearse and the burial. Ask a relative to perform this task, but of course to do so with dignity. Many chapels now have the facilities to video the service. It is simply a matter of bringing a blank VHS tape along on the day and asking the conductor to set it up for you. Where these facilities do not exist a family member could video the salient parts of the service.
Service Sheet
If a family member has access to a computer it is very easy to produce a service sheet in folded A4 format printed both sides (4 page A5). Front Page: Include: page title, "A Service of Thanksgiving", or "Memorial Tribute" etc... ; name of the deceased; dates of birth and death; photograph in the middle of the page; date of service; text, eg. "At rest". Consider using a photograph of the person representing a powerful period in their life. Photographs of a debilitated person is unwise, as this is not how the person will be remembered. Middle Pages 2 & 3: The Service. See below for the full text of a sample service which will fit on two pages in 10 point type and take about 7 minutes to read (ie. to suit a 30 minute service). Where hymns are included it will be necessary to reduce the printed text to a service outline only - just print the element headings and possibly the Lord's Prayer in full. Printing the text of the service out in full is normally unnecessary, so where there are no hymns, print a service outline with the Lord's Prayer in full, on page 3. On page 4 and 5 it is often a good idea to print the deceased's life story along with some photographs. A 10 point type will suffice. The story can be the text of the eulogy. Conclude at the bottom of the last page, page 4, with a thank you to all those who have attended for their love and support, along with an invite to the afters.
Timing
Given the charged atmosphere, it is best to aim at a 30 minute service. Most churches, crematoriums and funeral home chapels plan for a service of around 30 minutes. Only for a full religious service do you need to plan for 60 minutes. The minister/celebrant can adjust the service to fit a longer eulogy with personal words from some of the guests, but it is necessary for him/her to know in advance how long they will take. A returned soldier's tribute adds 5 minutes and a Masonic service adds 7 minutes. It is very difficult to include both in a 30 minute service.
Counseling
Some people find it difficult to move on from a heart-wrenching loss. Don't be ashamed to seek professional help.
Cremation or burial?
This is really a matter of personal preference or custom. In the Christian faith there is no word from the Lord on the matter, since the resurrection of the dead is not in any way influenced by the method of a body's disposal. Consider how you would like to remember the deceased. Will you want to visit the site where they were laid to rest? If so, a burial may be for you, but remember, the cost is doubled. If your memories are in cards, photo's etc, then cremation may be best for you.
Funeral Services and Resources
A Prayer Book for Australia published in 1995 has a wealth of resources for conducting a funeral service. If the reader is seeking guidance in the conducting of a simple liturgical services for infants through to the aged, then this prayer book is well worth the purchase price.
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A traditional service format that is not overly religious The following service format uses a range of different approaches and sources: C. Nominally Christian (eg. Anglican Prayer Books - AAPB, APBA); N. Neutral (a belief in God); and E. Eastern (eg. Nominally Buddhist). The keys C, N, E, designate each approach. In using this service it is necessary to select from the different options provided to produce a 30 minute service: entry music / a hymn; one of the introductions; one or two sentences; a prayer / meditation; a reading; eulogy; personal words; a poem; a prayer / meditation; reflection; committal; closure: eg. The Lord's Prayer and a blessing; exit music. Music / Hymn Entry music before the service commences or a hymn at the commencement of the service, eg. 1
Praise my soul the king of heaven
Praise him for his grace and favour
Father like he tends and spares us:
Angels help us to adore him 2
The Lord's my shepherd: I'll not want;
My soul he doth restore again,
Yea, though I walk through death's dark vale,
My table thou has furnished
Goodness and mercy all my life 3
What a friend we have in Jesus
Have we trials and temptations?
Are we weak and heavy laden, Other suitable Hymns: Abide with me, Rock of Ages, Blest are the ties that bind, Amazing Grace, Nearer my God to thee, Softly and Tenderly Welcome. A family member may like to thank people for attending and invite all to the afters. Introduction Minister / Celebrant / MC.
C. Friends, you come together to say farewell to a relative, to honour a departed friend, to dispose reverently of the mortal body and to show sympathy with those who are hurting at this time.
N. We humans have sensed the mystery of death, and the pain of grief, since time immemorial. And so we mark the vale of death by commemorating the passing of those we love. Sentences C. I am the resurrection and the life, says the Lord; he who believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and whoever lives and believes in me shall never die. John 11:25-26. C. I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39. C. What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man conceived, God has prepared for those who seek after him. 1Corinthians 2:9. Life is real! Life is earnest! And the grave is not its goal; Dust thou art, to dust returnest, Was not spoken of the soul. Longfellow To sleep; perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause. William Shakespeare. Hamlet The dead don't die. They look on and help. D.H. Lawrance The sorrow for the dead is the only sorrow from which we refuse to be divorced. Every other wound we seek to heal, every other affliction to forget; but this wound we consider it a duty to keep open: this affliction we cherish and brood over in solitude. Washington Irvine "In one sense there is no death. The life of a soul on earth lasts beyond departure. You will always feel that life touching yours, that voice speaking to you. He/She lives on in your life and in the lives of all others that knew him/her." Angelo Patri "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away." - Henry David Thoreau Walden "For every end no matter how tragic, there will be a new beginning." - Anonymous E. Whoso is compassionate is everywhere beloved. By the kind and good he is prized as a friend, and at death his heart is full of peace. Namu Amida Butsu E. To die or not to die ... we really don't have a choice. We can therefore only take care of our life-body, until the fullness of time and being ends our existence on earth." Taitesu Unno E. Gone, gone, gone beyond. Gone utterly beyond. Oh what an awakening. Heart Sutra. Meditation/Prayer N. Today in this quiet place we remember the life of N......................., along with all those we have loved and who have gone before. Their faces are before us at this very moment and we remember them and treasure them. There are all the things we should have said and never did, all that we said and should never have said. We may have even missed saying good-by. Yet, they're with us at the sparkle of dawn and dull setting sun. In the unexpected moment they're there. The memories so precious, so warming, touching the heart, shedding a tear. Time seems to dull their face just as it dulls the memories, but the joy and warmth is never dulled. [Lord, dry our tears and warm our memories. Amen] C. Heavenly Father, in your Son Jesus Christ you have given us a true faith and a sure hope. Help us to live as those who believe in your eternal friendship, the forgiveness of all our failings and the resurrection to eternal life; through your Son Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. AAPB C. Loving God, you alone are the source of life. May your life-giving Spirit flow through us, and fill us with compassion, one for another. In our sorrow give us the calm of your peace. Kindle our hope, and let our grief give way to joy; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. APBA Item If there is to be a musical item it is best placed here Reading Read by a family member, or friend, if possible
Ecclesiastes 3:1-15
Psalm 23 Modern
John 14:1-6
N.Footprints
From Hamlet
Other appropriate Bible Readings: John 5:24-27., 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, 15 selections, John 6:35-40, John11:17-27 Romans 8:31-39, Romans 14:7-9, 2 Corinthians 1:3-5, 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18, Revelation 21:1-7.
Address A maximum of 5 minutes - the samples are outlines only. Usually by Minister/Celebrant
C. The shepherd of the sheep Ps.23
N. A faded photograph, Ecc.3:1-15
E. Liberation through enlightenment Eulogy Presented by a family member, friend or the minister. Five to seven minutes Personal Words A few sentences by family members or friends Poem At this point, a poem read by say a grandchild is very appropriate
Miss Me But Let Me Go
Miss me a little - but not too long, and not with your head held low
For this is a journey that we all must take, and each must go alone
The clock of life
All is well .......... Cannon H. Scott Holland
I am I, and you are you.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Put no difference in your tone,
Laugh as we always laughed
Let my name be ever the household word
Life means all that it ever meant.
I am waiting for you, for an interval,
My Mother's Garden
And when the winds and rains came
I am my Mother's garden
Don't grieve for me ....... Thresiamma Abraham
I could not stay another day,
If my parting has left a void,
Be not burdened with times of sorrow,
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
I am vertical ....... Sylvia Plath
God's garden
I did not die
Prayer/Meditation Choose either a poem or a prayer
N. When I am dead, cry for me a little.
N. May we forgive the failings of those we love Holy and loving Father, you gave us life when you created us, and in your redeeming love you have given us new life in Christ Jesus. We give you thanks for, N......................... In faith and trust we leave her/him in your keeping; through Jesus Christ your Son our Lord, who died and rose again to save us, and now lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit in glory for ever. Amen. Loving Lord, we thank you for the gifts and talents of N........, the years he/she shared with friends and family, the good that was so evident in his/her life. He/she stood by the crew and helped them, cheered and gave them sympathy, strengthened them by his/her example. May he/she rest in peace.[Amen] We have come together with a deep sense of loss at the death of this child, N........ We share the sadness of his/her family, and seek to support them in their grief. [Jesus taught that heaven belongs to those with a childlike trust, so we leave this little person in His care. Amen.] Reflection A piece of music is played here, where possible, a favorite of the deceased. Or, RSL/Masonic tribute. Increasingly power point presentations are being used at funerals and this seems the best moment in the service for a visual presentation. The photos and video clips should be confined to the length of one song. Lengthy presentations are too draining. The Committal The congregation usually stands. Introductory words
C. Man that is born of woman is of few days, and full of trouble. N/E. It is no small thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived light in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done. Matthew Arnold. The words of committal C. Almighty God, our heavenly Father, you have given us a sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life; in your keeping are all those who have departed in Christ. We here commit the body of our dear sister/brother N..................... to the ground/to be cremated: earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, who died, and was buried, and rose again for us, and who shall change our mortal body that it might be like his glorious body. Thanks be to God who gives us the victory through Jesus Christ our Lord!. Amen
N/E.
We here commit the body of our dear sister/brother N..................... to the ground/to be cremated: earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; C. Saint John tells us: I heard a voice from heaven saying, "Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord henceforth, 'Blessed indeed', says the Spirit, "that they may rest from their labours." Rev.14:13 The Lord's Prayer
Let us join together in the Lord's Prayer
A Closting Prayer C. Support us, O Lord, all the days of our life, until the shadows lengthen and the evening comes, the busy world is hushed, the fever of life is over and our work done. Then, good Lord, in your kindness, grant us a safe home and peace at last. Amen. N. I shall pass this way but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do, or any kindness I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it; for I shall not pass this way again. [Amen.] N. God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference [Amen]. The Serenity Prayer Blessing
N. May the road rise to meet us; Now to him who is able to keep us from falling, and to present us faultless before the presence of his glory with everlasting joy, to the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen. Jude 24, 25. The peace of God which passes all understanding keep your hearts and minds in the knowledge and love of God, and of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord; And the blessing of God almighty, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, be amongst you and remain with you always. Amen Concluding Music / Song
Note order changes between a single service or a two-part service. The format here is a single service. For a two-part service [part 1: church or chapel & part 2: crematorium or grave side] the order of the service from Eulogy/Personal Words is:
Note
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